For you, I'll stay the same.

A year ago today was the last day I saw my mom alive.  She was terminally ill with cancer.  I had traveled back and forth between NYC and Kentucky to be with her.  My sisters called me one night and had been told by the hospice care givers that she would probably pass in the next 24 to 48 hours and I should come home right away.  So I did just that.  Every night I was in my bed wondering if she would be gone by morning and I still hadn't gotten to talk to her alone.  Family members were always in the room and I could tell she was exhausted by the endless line of company.  Finally, I knew I would really regret it if I didn't get to just tell her things, so I walked into the room one evening and told everyone they needed to leave.  I got these blank stares but everyone did as I asked.  We spoke for probably an hour about all kinds of things.  She was getting tired and eventually fell asleep so I left the room and went back to whatever I was doing.  Two days later she was up moving around and she told me she wanted me to go back to NYC, and not mope around the house any longer.  Dad agreed and I packed my stuff and loaded it into my car.  She had stumped the doctors and the nurses and everyone because she was supposed to be gone already, but was still hanging in there.  She was awake enough to say goodbye and the last words she actually said to me were "nice knowin' ya".  I hugged her while sitting on the couch, stood up, and started walking out of the room.  I turned to my dad, cracked somewhat of a smile and looked at my phone to see what time it was.  6:32 p.m.  That was the last moment I saw my mom alive.  I don't know why I remember little things like that, but I do.  I could retell people some of the weirdest, most useless information I keep in my brain somewhere. 

I remember my heart was beating really fast, and my palms were a bit sweaty.  Walking away from someone when you know it will be the last time you will see them isn't an easy thing to do.  I kind of took a deep one and just walked away.  I guess that is all you can do right?  She passed a week later on my birthday. 

Today has been exciting.  I got up and did my usual website browsing which includes checking the classifieds at absolutepunk.net for musicians looking for a band.  A guy posted Long Island guitarist available so I clicked on it and it had his aim name so I messaged him and luckily he is a sidekick user like myself and was online.  We ended up talking most of the day and I am uber excited to meet him and start jamming.  Hopefully it works out.  He seems like a rad kid.