"don't pretend you ever forgot about me"

Without a doubt. It never fails. Tears are in the forecast. It never rains when I’m in my new world. The clouds may hang, but they quickly move off before anything begins to fall.

Talking behind my back never hurts me because I never have to hear it. You can’t please everybody all of the time and you have to look out for yourself so a small dose of shit talking is inevitable amongst friends. I find it healthy. I find that it’s more about talking your way through something that is bothering you about another, and working it out on your own, rather than making a problem for someone else who never even realized there was a problem at all.

Then there are people who want to nip a problem at the moment they realize it is bothering them. They make a suggestion though you think everything’s fine. You consider it and move on. You continue to do things the way you always do, being the careful, thoughtful and motivated person that you are and they just can’t take it. It blows up. You are labeled with words you loathe. Words you feel are the opposite of everything you exemplify. As a child you take the title that the authority gives you and let it eat away at your confidence. You are what they say you are. As an adult it hurts just as bad but you realize you are only what you make of yourself and don’t let the labels inhibit your ability to continue to search for happiness or live in the world you have created. You still let it all out. It hurts now that someone you think is supposed to adore you only sees you for your small negativities which everybody has. Everyone says “nobody’s perfect,” but only usually refers to themselves and never applies it to those around them. I know nobody’s perfect. I have taken the time during the past year, even more time since October, to find the good in my friends and remember why they are in my life. I find myself having to “talk out” these so-called problems less and less and wanting to spend more and more time with people who I at one point brushed off.

I don’t know if people in my life do this because they are not happy with themselves. Perhaps they do it because they are not happy with what I have become, even though it is the life that I have built for myself that makes me happy. It seems that when they see that other people appreciate me, that they find more appreciation for me themselves. It’s about loving what’s acceptable I suppose. I don’t have the ultimate admirer. I’m not completely worried about it. Other people make me more worried than any amount of worry that I could pull from myself. I know that social standards are based on some facts. I know that the clock’s ticking. I also know that I am happy. Most of the time. At least in my world. I do know that I try. I do know that I am successful. I don’t know if there’s any hope for my socially acceptable future. I do know that I find it more than appealing. I don’t know if I should make changes to what’s presented or look for someone who accepts what I have been presenting all along. It’s rare that I get upset. As of late any form of sadness has been triggered by new experiences, which only makes them better for learning. I feel like I just traveled back in time. Not like the moment I felt in Sheffield. More like the times that I wanted it all to end, but not nearly as awful. Sitting in the same chair, in the same position that I used to sit during one of the roughest times in my life that accompanied my deepest secret isn’t really making me feel any better. Sometimes reminiscing is good, especially if you can learn from it. Sometimes you are worn out and weak from all that you do that you don’t have the strength to fight your past and recognize your present, especially in these surroundings. I wish the break was over. I live for the future. It’s not always a bad thing.