thinking out loud
October 25, 2007
I blog in my head often. I feel that for me, blogging is about putting my ideas on paper so I can clearly edit and change them as needed as well as reference my feelings on days when they seem to change. There are a small handful of other blogs that I read. It's not that I find other people's stories less enticing, it's more about the lack of ability to tell that story well. Poor grammar and lack of detail turn me off. Before I write anything down on "paper," I go through it in my head a million times. I tend to think a lot in the shower, mainly because I know the routine so well that there is no need to concentrate on that and my mind begins to wander. I think about it before I go to bed. I'm usually praying and then some profound idea pops in my mind and I try to hold it there until I'm finished talking to Jesus. I forget a lot of the things that cross through my mind because there is so much traffic up there. Sometimes I just can't keep up. People tell me that I speak fast. Imagine what's circulating in my brain.
Sometimes you think you know yourself. You make an absurd proclamation including the words "never" or "always." I believe in myself so when I make a statement, especially pertaining to me; I make it loud and clear. I'm human, so the words "never" or "always," in reference to the human mind or the human heart, at least at this stage in my life where I'm still growing and learning, are hardly ever necessary. The other day I proclaimed that I was never jealous. In the past, jealousy haunted me. I wanted so much and instead of being inspired by others, I got upset when I hadn't accomplished what they had. I've grown up a lot from my days of constant jealousy and frustration. I know that with most things, if I want it, I'm going to go after it like there's no tomorrow. Today I stopped in my tracks when I felt a lump in my throat. This feeling was all too familiar and as I started to pick my feelings apart I realized that I was a hypocrite. Who am I to say that I've reached some form of nirvana and can no longer experience jealousy at this point in my life? Yes, it's true that it's not a constant threat anymore, but ironically enough there is still one thing that I cannot control and that is love. There are so many people that I love that will never love me. I can't imagine what it's like to be Jesus.
I guess you can only call it jealousy when someone else has what you want. In this particular case, it was. In others, it's more about the lack of never knowing.
More than jealously, my constant struggle is patience. One time a friend told me, "If it's not okay, then it's not the end, because in the end it will be okay." I used to live by that quote. I think it's a good one. I once told a friend that I survive on hope. When I believe this, things don't bother me as much. I think I better start writing these down.
My friend Daniel can go up and talk to anybody. Sometimes I kind of think its funny, but really, I don't know when I stopped being like that. I think there are some people in my life who are more shy and less confident than I was when I first met them, and slowly over time their insecurities have rubbed off on me. I need to stop doubting my actions and fearing the worst possible scenario and find myself again.
Everything I do is building on my next goal. It's nice when you can pull out something you have learned or turn to someone you know and they can help you accomplish something. You never even knew these people would be of such great need to you. I try to be nice to everyone. I do however have trouble finding the best in people that don't even try to help themselves and think someone else will always come and rescue them. I used to make it my goal to help everyone. If someone was lazy and unmotivated and had no direction for a goal that they never thought they could reach, I'd make it my goal to help them. After trying so many times and seeing other people fail, due to their complete lack of trying, I became frustrated and put the focus on myself. I didn't help myself too often. I always thought someone would come along and save me, but it never happened. So, as selfish as it might seem, I spent the last few years worrying about me. I like to think that I feel better than I've ever felt, inside and out. Maybe I'm going through a rough time right now, but I know it will pass and is nothing to worry about. I realized however, at some point, that part of me was missing. I realized that helping others was part of what made me who I was and that I needed to be a part of something bigger than myself again. I went home a few weeks ago and realized that the person I acted like while I was there was a person that I had forgotten about. I realized that the old me, though not as accomplished, was still a happy person. I now base my happiness on my career. It's not exactly something I can control on an hourly basis and find myself getting frustrated all of the time.
I now realize that I have to remember the times when I was not scared to talk to anyone. The times when everyone around me supported me and cared about me, and not what I could do for them. I need to reconnect with those people. I have to remember the time when having fun meant forgetting about work and not working for fun. Yes, I have built on the past, but at some point my life took a 180 and I became a different person. It's not that I don't like the person that I am now, but know that I can take my accomplishments and combine them with my former carefree attitude and become completely satisfied with myself. I know that I need a combination of myself and other people to complete me.
Sometimes I forget to listen. Sometimes I forget to speak.
Sometimes you think you know yourself. You make an absurd proclamation including the words "never" or "always." I believe in myself so when I make a statement, especially pertaining to me; I make it loud and clear. I'm human, so the words "never" or "always," in reference to the human mind or the human heart, at least at this stage in my life where I'm still growing and learning, are hardly ever necessary. The other day I proclaimed that I was never jealous. In the past, jealousy haunted me. I wanted so much and instead of being inspired by others, I got upset when I hadn't accomplished what they had. I've grown up a lot from my days of constant jealousy and frustration. I know that with most things, if I want it, I'm going to go after it like there's no tomorrow. Today I stopped in my tracks when I felt a lump in my throat. This feeling was all too familiar and as I started to pick my feelings apart I realized that I was a hypocrite. Who am I to say that I've reached some form of nirvana and can no longer experience jealousy at this point in my life? Yes, it's true that it's not a constant threat anymore, but ironically enough there is still one thing that I cannot control and that is love. There are so many people that I love that will never love me. I can't imagine what it's like to be Jesus.
I guess you can only call it jealousy when someone else has what you want. In this particular case, it was. In others, it's more about the lack of never knowing.
More than jealously, my constant struggle is patience. One time a friend told me, "If it's not okay, then it's not the end, because in the end it will be okay." I used to live by that quote. I think it's a good one. I once told a friend that I survive on hope. When I believe this, things don't bother me as much. I think I better start writing these down.
My friend Daniel can go up and talk to anybody. Sometimes I kind of think its funny, but really, I don't know when I stopped being like that. I think there are some people in my life who are more shy and less confident than I was when I first met them, and slowly over time their insecurities have rubbed off on me. I need to stop doubting my actions and fearing the worst possible scenario and find myself again.
Everything I do is building on my next goal. It's nice when you can pull out something you have learned or turn to someone you know and they can help you accomplish something. You never even knew these people would be of such great need to you. I try to be nice to everyone. I do however have trouble finding the best in people that don't even try to help themselves and think someone else will always come and rescue them. I used to make it my goal to help everyone. If someone was lazy and unmotivated and had no direction for a goal that they never thought they could reach, I'd make it my goal to help them. After trying so many times and seeing other people fail, due to their complete lack of trying, I became frustrated and put the focus on myself. I didn't help myself too often. I always thought someone would come along and save me, but it never happened. So, as selfish as it might seem, I spent the last few years worrying about me. I like to think that I feel better than I've ever felt, inside and out. Maybe I'm going through a rough time right now, but I know it will pass and is nothing to worry about. I realized however, at some point, that part of me was missing. I realized that helping others was part of what made me who I was and that I needed to be a part of something bigger than myself again. I went home a few weeks ago and realized that the person I acted like while I was there was a person that I had forgotten about. I realized that the old me, though not as accomplished, was still a happy person. I now base my happiness on my career. It's not exactly something I can control on an hourly basis and find myself getting frustrated all of the time.
I now realize that I have to remember the times when I was not scared to talk to anyone. The times when everyone around me supported me and cared about me, and not what I could do for them. I need to reconnect with those people. I have to remember the time when having fun meant forgetting about work and not working for fun. Yes, I have built on the past, but at some point my life took a 180 and I became a different person. It's not that I don't like the person that I am now, but know that I can take my accomplishments and combine them with my former carefree attitude and become completely satisfied with myself. I know that I need a combination of myself and other people to complete me.
Sometimes I forget to listen. Sometimes I forget to speak.
